my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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