p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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