Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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