Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
