Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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