I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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