This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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