wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm like, not good at living.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
