So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
