i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
