Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
