I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
