I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
