she looked like the bat from fern gully.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
