She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
