You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
