Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
