any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
