So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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