Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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