She said her name was "party"
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
