Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
