She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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