So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize