ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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