I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
