Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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