i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I am available for nakedness
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
