There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Oh god it's open bar.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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