I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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