I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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