went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
