I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
