so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
