Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize