my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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