I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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