a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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