he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
