you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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