Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
