Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
