so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
