Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
