Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
