I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize