My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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