I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
