I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
