6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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