i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I think I just sharted jello shots
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
