with your own penis?
I'm going to jail i love you
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
