I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
