I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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