my mouth tastes like poor choices
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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