I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
