Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
