And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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