I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
