a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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