The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
