Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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