Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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