the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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