Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
