So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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