My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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