omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
