Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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