Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
