the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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