Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
